These animals look like Crap

Yes, this newsletter looks a little different. We are back on beehiiv. Substack’s policies have raised a lot of outcry, as they have given promotion to and paid some pretty nasty people. I still know a lot of people there, many of whom make a full living on Substack, and I will not criticize them for staying (there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, and I really, deeply dislike that every single action or inaction is now a source of judgement about who we are as people). I myself put off moving for a long time, in part because Substack was the only platform that had ever allowed me to grow my audience, in part because it takes time to move, and in part because all the other options everyone presented as being better cost money.

But here we are. Beehiiv, which, though it’s not the fancy Buttondown or Ghost, is free, for you and for me. I probably will never hit it big and grow, no matter what the algorithms at my disposal. This newsletter is, fundamentally, a place to chitchat, to share fun things I’m working on, and the fascinating things I’ve read. As for you, the reader? Nothing should change! I hope. Importing has been rocky. This should work just as per usual! If it doesn’t, hit me up and we’ll work it out. Thank you for your patience.

Anyway let’s talk about poop.

Humans love to think about animal disguise. An insect evolved to resemble a leaf. A fawn perfectly dappled to blend into the sun-speckled forest floor. It’s fascinating to think of how many animals hide in plain sight, disguised as sticks, flowers, or rocks.

But why does no one ever think of the animals that look like crap?

(That up there is a subscribe link. Yes, it’s a little janky. I’m working on it)

I mean actually feces. Poop. Because there are a bunch out there with that peculiar, tubular shape, tapered at the ends. That particular mottled brown. The poopness, you know.

Consider the most turdish of the turd-like animals, the sea cucumber

What’s the head? What’s the anus?

Does it matter?

The sea cucumber highlights that, just as a tubular shape is a relatively easy one to create for the inside of a colon, thus it is a relatively easy shape to form an organism around.

A turd is a useful shape for a bilateral organism! Especially one like most of us, which has a mouth at one end and an anus at the other (if you are a classy organism trying to keep those separate, anyway. We will not speak of the squid or the starfish).

Odds are, sometime in the very, very distant past, we were also poo-shaped. It’s an efficient shape! Especially if you live in the water. One could argue that, without our arms and legs, we still sort of are. A brownish tube, mouth at one end, anus at the other. We are all turds.

Honestly though many things in life are vaguely tube shaped. Like sticks. Some rocks. Earthworms and snakes. What makes these species especially craptacular though is the…well the slime.

Because of course one of the reasons people poo at a particular rate is because our feces have a thin coating of mucus on them. A stick may also be turd-shaped, but unless it’s covered in mud it just doesn’t have that sheen.

So today I would like you to appreciate the efficiency of a tube. The invisibility of blending in, nice and brown. The difficulty of staying moist in this dry world.

Let us all appreciate the animals that look like crap.

Where have you been?

• This guy saw a rock that looked like a face. So he used some paint, and gave it a lil’ nose! Except…this happened 43,000 years ago. And the guy was a Neandertal.

• Many people worry about spider bites. But what some prey really needs to worry about? Spider barf. Why inject venom when you can just puke it?

• The clever sulfur-crested cockatoo is at it again! This time? They’re learning to work water fountains. Get it boys.

Where have I been?

• Thanks so much to South Dakota Public Radio for having me on to talk about elephants! Many people don’t appreciate the harm that magisterial megafauna can do—because our beliefs about those animals influence how we see it. This can fall out in both positive, and negative, ways for the animals and people involved.

• I am doing some writing for NCSU Veterinary Medicine News, highlighting the findings of their scientists. My first for them is on a role for a new receptor in cystic fibrosis, and how deleting it or blocking it might make mucus even worse.

• You are not currently half buried in carrion. You can thank scavengers for that. Apex scavengers take care of 75% of carcass waste…but those scavengers are in danger. And that puts us in danger, too. By me for Science News.

• GLP-1 agonists are the current wonder drug. They are in the “what can’t they do!?” phase. And while I remain skeptical about many of their other effects, one thing they might be able to do? Lower the risk of dementia in people with type 2 diabetes or brain insulin resistance. By me, for National Geographic.

• I was honored to write for the Simons Foundation annual report about the brave and brilliant scientists living, and working in Ukraine, even in the midst of war. I so appreciate them sharing their stories with me.